Hello,

I am well aware that work comes with stress, but here's the thing. I am going to talk about the stress of feeling that you have to fit in with everyone else.

I am used to being the youngest at my job, some of my older coworkers have been in the industry for years, decades even. I have little experience because I have never been taught on how to do the fundamentals when I started, which was the fault of many incompetent managers unfortunately. Luckily for me and my amazing genetics, I look a lot younger or my age, depending on who you ask. Blessed by my filipino and a fortified skincare routine that my mother taught me. So, the people I come into contact with are very kind usually. I have been in this industry for a little over two years, which is a lot of experience for someone my age, I am proud of it.

Though fitting in has been very difficult for me. It's not that I am mean or purposely difficult but I, like most people, hate confrontation so I try to mold myself to fit what others are like. I have a lot of coworkers who are very irritable and can be very rude to each other. You can classify one as having anger issues as well. Not a front of house kind of person.

Due to this I have been getting more irritable and started swearing. I am not typically like that but I want to be liked by my superiors. Other coworkers I am with don't mold with the dominant personalities, this can cause people to clash, and people can get excluded and ostracized. I have learned this early with figuring out how to conform to what is seen as acceptable with the crowd. This isn't inherently bad, but it doesn't help my imposter syndrome. I interpret this as being in a survival state. In a way I have formed a separate "work personality" though there are parts of me who come out. Though I usually am like that towards clients. Especially millennials and my generation (gen z) appreciate my low tolerance for bad fashion and sales tactics. Though the people I work best with tend to be LGBT and neurodivergent, which I respect and enjoy being around.

Workplace cliques have been something I have always witnessed throughout my employed life. Like even my first job at a cafeteria the full-time employees would "adopt" a student employee in a way, like a mentor. I was adopted by a person who was seen as irritable and mean, she was just misunderstood with grief to my understanding. She was nice to me because I talked to her and was a decent person, you never know what someone is going through. I am happy to see that she is doing well.

My last job everyone had a person they'd buddy up to as well. I was lucky to buddy up with my managers because we all had similar personalities. I never felt like an outsider or fake, but I worked with about eight to six others, depending on the turnover and mass quitting.

So finding that one person to be with has been useful. Though I constantly feel like there's a knot in my lower abdomen. Not sure if I should see a doctor about that though it seems like it calms down whenever I talk to my mum. I love her so much and I guess I relax my body when I talk to her. So, it has been way more difficult when I have been living without her. I feel like I can fully be my unapologetic self around her.

I guess it's because I feel like she can't get rid of me because I am her child. Though I need to realize that if I do not fit with someone that's okay, even if I have known them for a long time or work with them.

I am very prone to being overly empathetic with people and that's not healthy I am aware. It just puts a burden on me. Like I told my mum that certain issues she needs to talk to a mental health professional about. I needed that boundary or I knew our relationship would be too close to being friends. Which we do confide in each other, but I don't need to know everything.

I have been told that I'm kind, empathetic, a little too introspective, creative and smart. Though I am doubting the last one. I know I can be very demanding too and unprofessional. Mostly calling my manager bruh or dude, though I haven't been corrected so I guess he's okay with that. If I act too serious, I know I'd just be making my health worse.

I just wish I was more carefree like some of my friends. I tend to box myself in and want to safe. I wish I didn't dwell on the future too much seeing that AI is going to take over jobs in my degree. I wonder how my coworkers manage the dread of having mortgages, car loans and student loan debt in a job that doesn't require any degree. Though it might come out and anger.

I plan on trying to relax and take things as they come. After all nothing is permanent fortunately and unfortunately. I learned that after losing a lot of friends. Though I would rather live past that.

Maybe I should see a doctor for that.

Side note I am at Starbucks writing this and I saw a Cyber Truck and physically gagged.

Well, if anyone is reading this. Please don't stress about how other people see you. It physically hurts you in the long run. Everyone isn't going to fit you and you aren't going to fit everyone. Just be kind and you'll be fine.

-Uggledamen